Still crushin on this guy after date two. ready for an opportune time to just sit him down and make out… :)
Crush
Totally crushing on him like a 13 year old. It is awesome and horrible. :)
sea-water:
EPIC GIVEAWAY! 13-INCH NEW MACBOOK PRO! SHIPS WORLDWIDE!
We actually won this laptop in a raffle last week, I already have one and so does Timothy (sea-water-surfing) Because we couldn’t think of anything else to do with it, we thought we’d give it away to our lovely followers! It’s brand new and unopened! To prove it, I even wrote our URLs on paper and put it next to the box! Here are the rules:
REBLOG ONLY, NO LIKES! (LIKES WON’T BE COUNTED)
REBLOG UP TO TEN TIMES!
MUST BE FOLLOWING (WE CHECK!)
sea-water.tumblr.com
And
sea-water-surfing.tumblr.com
And
accio-thetardis.tumblr.com
Entries will close on 29th February 2012, so you have plenty of time! We will be using a random number generator to pick our winner, and they will be notified via their Tumblr Inbox. For any other questions, message sea-water!
GOOD LUCK!
(Source: , via prepstergrunge)
new shoes
Found this writing. I love it, and still describes what’s going through my head right now. Not yet over this hurdle, despite a few leaps. One day I will be. This was written March 30, 2011. I don’t ever want to forget what I wrote that day.
New shoes.
Moving forward from a big life experience is annoying.
You kind of obsess over it in your mind, and are in a constant search for the next thing that will enhance your life.
I’ve heard that when you search for something, its best to not look for it, but to wait for it to find you. Perhaps I need more patience. I’m not even unhappy, but I’m ready for the next thing to make me excited again. A job promotion. A new friend. A new place to live. A new button-up shirt.
I just told my family I was gay. My sister, then my mom, then my dad. It was an emotional week. I feel like everyone I love in my life now knows, and its a cool feeling. Not at all what others tell you its going to be like. There’s vlogs on youtube that describe it being an incredibly liberating feeling. While it is, its a lot of emotion and self-checking. I don’t want to forget the moment I told each one of them. Already looking back I’m starting to remember my emotions on the spot, but emotions change in our memories. In the moment it was awkward. But it created a stronger bond between me and my loved ones because I was honest. It was mostly scary. And sure, scary because I was revealing something truly intimate about myself, but scary because I didn’t know what’s going to happen next. Am I going to start dating every gay man in my life? no.
I think I’ve set myself up for something I thought was already lonely, into something just as lonely, if not more so.
I want to be a couple with someone so bad! I want to stare at something together. To tell stories to each other. To share things together. I want to laugh and kind of fall into his shoulders. I want to go out dancing with him. I want to go out with my friends and have him come along and not be clingy. I want to learn from him. To develop as a human being. Learn from our experiences.
Putting myself out there is not easy. I joined match.com. Lame. I downloaded an app on my phone called Grindr. Even more lame. Everyone is looking for sex. And I’ll admit, if a guy isn’t attractive, I won’t want to invest time…. my friend hannah started asking me what kind of guy I found attractive. We went on her facebook and clicked on some of her random friends, asking me, “is he cute?… I think he’s cute.” and a lot of the time I didn’t. Maybe I’m picky.
My main emotion after revealing this intimate, important part of myself is not loneliness. The underlying message in this blog post is that I thought I was alone before coming out, and now that I’ve come out, I’m still lonely. And the challenges to finding someone are new and frustrating.
There are so many new challenges that I hadn’t even considered, and its too overwhelming. I’m jumping off a cliff and don’t know what’s beneath me. There’s a thrill about falling, but so frightening.
Should I constantly try and look my best and maybe someone will put an ad on craigslist? Or maybe flirt with every attractive guy I see… but that just seems mean because most guys in my area are straight.
I went out the other night and heard a fun song and started fake-dancing. Like, I was just being goofy, right? And this slutty bitch commented “OMG, y’all are so gay.” to her friend. And it kind of hurt. Why did it hurt? I cannot let what others say affect me. I know what I want. I know who I am. I love myself. My honesty, and hard work. My creativity, and my ability to care. So I shouldn’t freaking care what others say. I will not allow it from this moment forward.
I guess I’ll go into more detail about coming out yo my family.
I wanted to tell my sister for months. I knew she would respond well. I’ve heard her talk about supporting gay rights, and defending gay friends she had in High School when they were picked on. She’s an advocate. The first time I was going to tell her, I had set up a date for us. We went to Dallas to a vegan restaurant which I love, (Spiral Diner), and then we were going to go shopping afterwards, or at least see a movie at the Angelika. When we were at the cafe, all she talked about was herself (in a charming way) but she never expressed any interest in me. Didn’t ask me one question about my life, what was going on. So I decided it wasn’t the right time. I needed to tell someone who wanted to know.
Maybe that was selfish of me, but in the moment, I needed a person to concentrate on me and what I had to say, and not have to have something for them to express as well. SO I waited till her Spring Break. We went out one night after I got off work. We went for sushi. I was going to tell her, but I didnt. I was chicken. After sushi our plans were to go to a shopping outlet, the Southlake Town Square. I was going to tell her there. Maybe while walking to Antrhopologie, or maybe at a bench by a fountain or something. But I didnt. We almost made our way back to our parents house when I dropped it. I told her I had something “heavy” to tell her and didn’t know if she wanted to know now or later. She wanted to know, so I told her. Of course, she was supportive and happy. We went into the empty house and continued talking about it. I don’t know what sparked it, but I started to cry. We went back into the car and just drove around. We talked about our bond as a brother and sister. How we sometimes struggle to communicate with each other, despite having an IMMENSE, HUGE, GIGANTIC love for one another. I do. I love my sister beyond words. And being so honest with her felt so good. It was just so much more emotional than I thought. And out of every time I’ve told someone, I’ve kind of probed the conversation for them to ask how I was doing. OR for them to ask me what was going on in my life, because something is going on…. this is a time that I flat out told someone. WIthout the probing of questions. Just straight forward. And I think it felt kind of like a knife. It cut right through this stigma I was feeling. It was scary and nerve-racking. Eventually we calmed down and went back to the house. We waited for my parents. I had told Anna I wanted to tell them soon. That I wanted her to be there for it. But that meant I’d have to do it within two days. And I dont think I was mentally ready for that.
So I waited till she was gone. Telling Anna had made me a wreck. Mostly because the pressure to talk to my parents were on. The fear of feeling alone floated to the surface.
One day at work I was a mess. I was out of my mind, and not myself. I was talking to my coworkers in frustrated tones. I texted my mom that we needed to have dinner. I would tell her and my dad after her and I ate out. I thought telling her at the restaurant would be too much because she’d start crying in public.
We went to the Taco Diner. and we had a couple of conversations about our work… and then she asked me why I was lonely. Who did I want to date? And she even asked if I wanted to date men instead of women. And I was honest. Her eyes were kind of wet, but she reacted so much better than I thought she did. We talked about the kind of relationship I wanted. I completely monogamous relationship. One like her and Dad have. I want to adopt children. I want a fulfilling life, and am still committed to all the morals she brought me up with.
I didn’t go home and tell my dad that night. I wasn’t crying or anything, but I told my mom I wasn’t ready to have two of these conversations in the same night. So she told my dad when she went home. She said it was too hard for her to not tell him. I understand that. I hate that I didn’t tell dad. The next day he and I went out for Thai food. He was so supportive. I knew he’d be. He’s very political, and has even marched in gay parades in support of our rights. (PS, just typed the word “their” and changed it to “our”). He started discussing the Bible and how he thinks Christians are often blind, and don’t understand the process of translating the Bible and relating it to the traditions at the time. For example, they used to force women and women to be together, or men and men to have sex with each other for heathen rituals. At times, it was not a consensual thing for them to have sex with the same gender, and that’s what my dad said he thought the Bible meant. Don’t let the sex be unnatural. And my attraction to the same sex is something I can’t help. I cannot help react the way I do when I see an attractive male. My sexuality is natural.
So there it is. I’m out now. It sucks being single, and I just want a relationship to be in. I don’t want that relationship to be the thing to make me happy because I’m already happy. But I just want it as a part to enhance who I am. And, honestly, the excitement of a new relationship is something I want, too. :)
I kinda love when my mom starts talking about me adopting children with my future partner. Asian babies. Girl or boy?
…but that’s a long ways away…
but still fun to think about. That my mom is so cool enough to bring it up. It gets less and less awkward when we actually talk about it. :)
problems of a boy
phone calls
with the guy who you kissed last night
who has a boyfriend
talking about the kissing
and the problems he has with his relationship
but how he wants their relationship to continue
is awkward.
Go have your relationship!
make it work!
I hope it works out!
I don’t want you to be sad!
I don’t want to be a reason your love fails!
But…
back to loneliness,
but loneliness feels better
than the guilt of being a reason love doesn’t work for someone else.
I told him I was too drunk
and took things too far.
but in the moment
it felt so good to hold on to someone else.
am i desirable?
I think this post should be called
#gayboyproblems
What do I want?
And are the Rolling Stones right?
You can’t always get what you want?
Why would I settle for something I need
when the something I want is so much better?
And do I understand what I think I want?
Is the picture clear in my mind?
or just a little but fuzzy?
My community is all kinds of messed up.
How do I solve the hard problems?
So, I met a boy in an unusual place.
Boy had a boyfriend.
Boyfriend is having issues.
The boy himself is having issues.
Everyone pretty much has issues.
The boy’s boyfriend is away.
I take boy to a club with his friend.
And me and boy kiss at the club…
I’m the “other guy” in this scenario,
and it feels kinda wrong…
but maybe the boy just needs to leave his boyfriend…
anyway,
wow! i met a boy at an unusual place!
and we went out and kissed!
it felt good to kiss again!
Old school blogs used to have paragraphs worth of personal information! Wow! Instead of, like, 140 characters worth of intimate, quirky, emotional thoughts!
I kind of wished I blogged again. But I’m worried I’d tell too many things that would affect my work life eventually… or affect my personal life one day…. or reveal a lot of things to acquaintances I don’t want them knowing… but honestly I suppose I’m an open book. I haven’t always been, but I am now… online, at least. lol.
But here goes, for today!
I had the day off! So I woke up at 7am, and decided that was too early. So I woke up again at 11am and started a pretty marvelous day!
Did some errands. Went to the optometrist and had them put lenses into these frames I’d had since the dawn of time. And then I did a little work out session. I really want to shape up by September. It can happen. It WILL happen!!!
Then I pretty much spent the rest of the day chatting with strangers! How sad, but it was kinda fun! Its weird because I basically have the same structured conversation every time. Grindr conversations are a little hilarious to me! But they’re so much fun! I haven’t ever met anyone from Grindr, but I have friends who are in a committed relationship after finding each other on it! And so far I’ve found some nice, friendly guys! And a couple of them sent me some nude shots, which is just all a bit awkward. Have they no thought that one day a family member will go through their phone and find these pictures? Or they will one day become successful or even famous and these will be leaked everywhere?
Anyway….
OkCupid is nice, too. Its more my style, I think. But you can’t ever really get a good sense of who a guy is and how they socially are by an online profile. Which begs the question, how do I actually meet people in real life?! I will leave my house with the thought, “there might be a moment today when you meet someone!” and then I never engage with strangers if I’m shopping at a grocery store or whatever… I don’t even engage in conversations with waiters or cashiers because I’m just awkward. If we sit down and stuff, then I’m all about figuring you out and having a good talk… perhaps I need to work on my ability to talk to strangers…. or flirt with strangers… or just flirt period… lol.
Anyways, I’m gonna check the Missed Connection section on CraigsList. See ya on the flip side, Tumblr.
I want someone to kiss. I want to go to a party full of gay boys and just get drunk. yes.
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